Conscious

I am conscious. I am in the moment. I am paying attention. I am feeling my experience. I see who is here and what they are doing. I am clear on what I want, what I need and what I am done with. I know who I am, whose I am and what my purpose is. I am blessed. I am present. I am a spirit within this body, right here and now. I am conscious. And so it is.

Called To Be

     In my longing for a brand new support system I have come to realize that I must be what I desire. For only like energies will show up to join me in my quest. Only like energies will be consistent in communication, care and concern. I won't have to look for them, for they will simply be....just as I for them. So, instead of becoming upset when I'm only called upon to be "The Therapist" or "Sounding Board" for certain people who have decided to remain connected to me, I humbly accept the position of Supporter and Encourager. My profession entails counseling, coaching, psychotherapy, motivation and empowerment. This is my calling. I've always known this. So, then, why would I get frustrated when anyone along my journey needs me to execute these qualities in my connection with them? My only answer is simply: a faint forgetfulness of purpose. Is it possible to simply offer support to those we once were strongly connected to, but have managed to outgrow? Yes. Aren't they just using us, though? No. The Most High is using us and we are given divine opportunities to use our gifts.What a revelation!!! When we neglect our gifts and/or choose not to use them we rob ourselves of great experiences that facilitate our growth.
     Who we are called to be has little or nothing to do with us most times. Our energies draw people. With those people come opportunities to exercise the Truth of who we are and what we have come here to do. It is not about us. What a disservice to The Most High, others and our own spiritual/personal development when we become selective in who we are going to support. I temporarily allowed myself to react in disgust, anger, even resentment when it seemed those around me only wanted to talk to me for their reasons: advice, support, understanding. What I failed to realize were the opportunities to exercise my gifts. It was time for a vision adjustment. For a moment, all I could see was me and how I was being hurt and/or ignored.
     I rose early this morning, lit the candles on my altar, sat still and focused one complete thought unto The Most High: "I give myself so that You may use me." I had no long 30 minute sermon to tickle God's spirit with. I had no fancy poem, no scripture to recite or a verbal prayer to lace the air with. That one thought, brought on by my higher self, brought me back into alignment with my purpose. We answer our callings by simply and lovingly rendering service to others. We cannot become concerned with what they will render to us, if anything. We must simply give. According to Universal Law, when we give it shall be given unto us. From who, when, where, how and what.....well, Life has wonderful surprises.

Playing joyfully in Light today,
Yaya

Releasing and Receiving

     As I move toward achieving balance I realize that I must fine-tune my ability to release and receive. Some things must go before other things come. Ever heard of someone wanting so much, but willing to let go of so little? Guess that pretty much defeats the purpose. Most times I sit and review what was and who was there with me when I did whatever I did, went wherever I went, said whatever I said. I suppose it is safe to say I spend a lot of time revisiting the past. Where does that leave my present? How does that paint a better future? Oh, shit, am I stuck?
     No such thing as stuck. I think it's another dilemma that we have created for ourselves as humans: being stuck and not able to move. So, as a spirit I speak freedom over myself today. I give myself permission to fly again. As a spirit having a human experience I must simply ask myself, "What have I managed to hold onto so tightly that I think I cannot move on to gain more fulfilling experiences on my journey here?" That's the question. I must release the answers.

Yaya

Random Thoughts

     Just up tonight thinking about the me that nobody sees at the end of the day. My household is preparing for sleep and I am a long way from being tired. A few weeks left until graduation, then I can say "I finally graduated college", only to get right back in a few months afterward to pursue the next degree. Yes, I am ambitious. More than that....lately.....I find that I am changing in great ways.
     I am two weeks away from my 39th birthday and have come to a startling realization: I have outgrown my friends. Yes, I love them. Yes, we communicate (even more when they have issues/problems to vent about or get advice on). Sure, I love being there for them, but......I realize that no one is there for me most times. There are times when I don't want to be The Therapist. There are actually times I'd like them to give a lovely care about me and how I'm doing.  It's like they are going around in circles, or standing still, doing the same things we all used to do, going through the same confusion we all used to go through, dealing with the same relationships we all swore we would never allow ourselves to enter into again. However, there they are and here I am. I have a wonderful fiance and three adorable teenagers, but desire whole, healthy, successful, confident women friends who've got my back. Women who are doing things that actually benefit themselves and their families. Where are they? It used to be like that until,....I changed. I think I grew up a little more. As I prepare for my wedding next April, I really wonder if they will be there...or will their issues stop them from being there for me? Am I being prepared for new friends, those who can catch me where I am in life at this point?
     I am quite gregarious, but at this point...tonight.....outside of my wonderful family.....I feel so alone.

Yaya